depression

Comorbidity – Anxiety and Depression  

It’s no secret that anxiety and depression often, although not necessarily, go hand in hand.  That is why the same treatment is given for anxiety and depression, and why your anti-anxiety meds are anti-depressants as well.

For me, there have been periods where anxiety has led to my feeling depressed or down.  But on the whole, I was aware that a majority of what bothered me was anxiety, and not really depression.

Caveat I: I’ve used medication (either meds or marijuana) for a majority of the time I’ve had anxiety.

Caveat II: I currently take Klonopin on, more or less, a daily basis.  But to me there feels like a fundamental difference between panic medication, taken as needed, and anti-anxiety/anti-depressant mood alterers.  One feels like I’m still me, but with an outlet for when I start losing my s#%t.  The latter is more like…not being me at all.

As I’ve discussed, I’ve recently stopped smoking weed and I was planning on replacing that with meds.  Lexapro to be exact.  But I’ve held out so far.  In spite of my last post, in which I tried to convince myself to disregard the stigma of Big Pharma (Prozac Nation, etc.), I can’t seem to shake it.

The results have been underwhelming.  No miraculous turnaround here.  In fact, I most certainly feel more depressed than I can remember.  

Maybe it’s sort of stepping out of the cloud…clearing out the weeds, so to speak.  Like reentering the world has this sobering effect, and my senses remain totally blunted.  OK…I’ll stop.

The painful truth is that it just hasn’t been easy.  There are a plethora of uncomfortable, unwanted, and unwelcome emotions to deal with.  I’ve been more introspective, less social, less energetic, and straight-up less happy.  More depressed.  Period.  The struggle is real.  But at least it’s that.  I’m not running at the moment, for what that’s worth.

I’m hoping group therapy will help deal with things as they arise.

I’m hoping that, as I gain clarity, I’ll be able to set some other areas of my life straight.  

I know that, while this is two steps back, maybe it’ll be several forward.  

Maybe this is an addiction blog at the moment.  Maybe it’s a rehab blog.  I’m hoping it won’t stay that way.

Not smoking weed is hard, but smoking it hasn’t been the solution either.  If I go on meds (at the moment I think I ultimately will), I don’t consider it a fail.  Although, in an ideal world, I – and probably anyone facing the option – would prefer to manage without.

The therapist says get on Lexapro if and when I’m ready.  I’m still not.