Falling asleep exhausted at the end of a long day, I’d wake up each night between 1:30 A.M. and 3:30 A.M. I remained drowsy and fatigued, but my body was running at full tilt, sweating through my pajamas, my sheets, and the comforter. It almost felt as if, as I went to fall asleep, there was simply no fuel for anxiety to burn…So I passed out. But then, after a completely inadequate nap, the tank had refilled just enough – not nearly enough to push me through the day, however – to allow my brain to circle back to anxious thoughts.
That period of time was characterized by exhaustion, concern for my overall physical and mental health, and fear that any given day could be completely shot to shit by a tumultuous pre-dawn panic attack. Not really clear where to turn or what to do, I wrote this poem in an attempt to convey the feelings I was going through.
My thoughts squeal racing, banking off the cranium, Nothing I can do to slow them now,
my body’s reacting, the pores slightly cracking, the midnight sweat, kin only to death.
There’s nothing to fear, no threat to existence, unwavering in its ceaseless, determined persistence.
The sea of the mind, can be turbulent at times, I know that well, I’ve seen massive swells.
But oh that’s the irony, represented by the tyranny, of a mind gone rogue, in an otherwise blessed home.
Its walls are now battered, after years of abuse, All from the inside, a calculated ruse.
A Trojan horse, although uninvited, Its developed its strength over the years,
galloping like a thoroughbred overexcited, thumping and violent through mud ponds of tears
and carried along swiftly by a torrent of fears.
UP NEXT: Panic Attacks and Sleepless Nights (Part III)